Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
