I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
