I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
