that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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