this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
