Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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