I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
