He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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