Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
