oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
