Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
