Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
