worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
