i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
wow bdsm is so cute
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