If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
