My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Randomize
