What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
