listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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