at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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