They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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