put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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