Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
this will be a night to untag.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize