Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
