apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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