There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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