dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
