i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
