i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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