i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
