Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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