Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
