Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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