When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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