be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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