Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
