All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
