Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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