Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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