I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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