my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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