Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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