Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
