Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize