Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
