wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I need moral support for this bender
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
