Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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