I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Randomize
