Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We need to rekindle our bromance
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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