Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
