I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
