Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
