Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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