Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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