too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
