he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
