I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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