I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
